Dear Mr. Trump,
My name’s Ralph. I’m a mutt. Some people think that makes me less of a dog, but I say, when they made me, they took the best parts of a bunch of different dogs and made one really great one.
I’m not a big guy, but I think they gave me the stomach from a Great Dane, because, man, am I hungry.
I’m also pretty smart. I spend a lot of time on the internet, keeping up on the latest. I’m a big fan of your show, The Apprentice (Any word yet on when The Dog Apprentice is being filmed?). Anyway, the other day I came across your video, From the Desk of Donald Trump: Major Announcement.
I thought to myself, $5 million could buy an awful lot of kibble!
(Did your stomach just growl, too?)
Right now, there are almost four million dogs like me sitting in shelters around the country. That’s a lot of mouths to feed, ears to scratch, and bellies to rub. (Ooh. I could go for a belly rub about now. How about you? Mr Trump, do you like belly rubs, too?)
You know who feeds all those mouths and rubs all those bellies? Awesome people, like you, that donate to shelters and rescue groups.
If they’d let us out of our kennels and into the workforce, we’d be happy to bring home the bacon (mmm… bacon.) ourselves. Instead, we’re forced to rely on humans for our well-being.
If humans were all that reliable, we wouldn’t be in these yucky shelters in the first place, am I right?
That said, I’ve got an offer for you, Mr. Trump! My very own Major Announcement.
Like the President, very little is known about me and my personal history. Because I’m a mutt, and was once wandering the streets, we don’t know where I was born, where I have lived, or who my relatives are. (I like to think I come from royalty.)
Donald (I feel like we’re on a first name basis now), I have a deal. A deal I think you can’t refuse, and won’t. I will give you everything I can in exchange for a donation ($5M would be nice, but a fraction of that will help, too) to a dog charity of your choice.
As a dog, I can’t offer you much – just everything that I have: unconditional love, endless loyalty, and a contagious smile.
Mr. Trump, with your generous donation to your favorite dog charity, I will be happy (and completely satisfied!), the American people will be happy, and the mutts with full bellies will be very, very happy!
Thank you very much.